Most, if not all, of us know how it feels to be hurt by the one to whom you’ve given your heart. It’s bitterly painful, almost soul-destroying – a pain unlike any other, even the death of a loved one. We realize that death is unavoidable, that in most cases, the person didn’t leave of their own volition. But when someone who holds your heart betrays you or leaves you, no matter the reason, that is a special kind of hurt that leaves you feeling unworthy, unwanted, even less than nothing.
How do you recover from such a vicious, insidious wound?
What if the person who hurt you has a change of heart and wants the relationship back? Wants you back? Whether you were the one in the wrong or the victim, and you accept the person back, how do you move forward? What do you want in a relationship that was, on many fronts, working, even if you now realize the successful parts were more on the surface than anything deeper?
Now you must ask yourself, with brutal honesty, do you desire to have this significant other in your life. Well, do you?
If the answer is, despite everything that has gone before, a resounding yes, you have to know this isn’t going to be easy for either of you. Suspicion, unresolved anger, insecurity, hopes and fears, when mixed with love, can be quite caustic. The automatic response is to protect yourself, keep your heart guarded, even as you try to get back to a better place in the relationship. You either cannot or are unwilling to open your heart to the possibility that this person that is so important to you, might hurt you again.
So you go through the motions of day to day living, but your heart has walls surrounding it. How can you show love in such a guarded existence? How can the wounds heal, if you hold it open to serve as a warning to you? How can there be a future when the present is mixed up with the past? What are your expectations in this situation?
You’ve agreed to start over, to try again. Yet things aren’t going as expected. You feel as though you both are just going through the motions. There is no trust, no real affection being shown. You both have just stepped back into familiar roles, but neither of you is getting what you expected, what you need, to feel as though you’re making progress. Frustration quickly follows, experienced by at least one of you, if not both.
Why isn’t this working?
Why? Because the heart does not work that way. Wounds must be seen and dealt with, with care and the right medicine, if they are to heal well.
What is the right medicine?
Patience. Forgiveness. Heartfelt apologies. Honesty regarding the part each of you played in the relationship to cause it to reach the breaking point. Patience. Humility. Acceptance of anger and blame. Forgiveness. Willingness to discuss everything, especially the most difficult things. Choosing love. Choosing commitment. Patience.
Notice how often patience is listed. There is no shortcut. You have to take the painful steps, the long journey, toward something better than you had before. This is how you break down the walls around both your hearts. This is how you get from the past/present to a stronger future you build together. This is how you learn to trust again and find the courage to being open and vulnerable to one another in a deeper, more connected way.
The journey will be arduous, emotional, frustrating and seemingly impossible. It is one step, one day, one moment at a time, with plenty of back steps, side steps, and half steps. But, if you are both determined, if you are both committed, the life you build, the connection you will have, will be…unlike anything you can imagine.
The question you must ask yourself? Do you have the patience, willingness, strength and courage to undertake such a journey that has no known end date toward a not-guaranteed future? Is it worth the risk for an unknown, yet possibly the most precious, fulfilling reward you could ever hope for?
Well? Is it?