Have you ever reached a point in your life when you feel deep down in your soul that something has to change?
A few months ago, I had a revelation. It was life-changing, devastating, yet life-affirming. I had a choice to make, and I knew it would be the most important decision I would ever make in my life.
As most of us have probably learned, changes aren’t usually convenient or easy. The new path affected not only me but also the five-year relationship in which I’d been involved, one that was already on shaky grounds. I have already shared here on my website certain details of my life’s story, so I won’t go over them again. Suffice to say what happened within me could only be described as a major renovation – what was there needed to be demolished first followed by step-by-step construction of a more solid foundation so I am centered, know who I am, what I have to give, and what I require of anyone who may share my life.
As anyone who has ever been through a major renovation experienced, it’s expensive, inconvenient, messy, and uncomfortable. Once demolition has begun, you’re stuck in forward mode. Who would want to live in a half-demolished home? This is the reason the entire cost of the renovation must be considered, so that the money doesn’t run out before the renovation is complete.
My life has been in renovation since my first realization that I had a lot of healing to do. In order for that to occur, my inner being had to go through step-by-step demolishment of all that wasn’t healthy. Unlike a house, this isn’t a once-and-done thing, not when my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health have been existing in an unhealthy state. That I didn’t recognize this for so long doesn’t matter. Now that I know, and I desire truth in all my inward parts, I must accept and embrace the work that must be done.
The cost is high. I had to show family and friends the parts of me that I subjugated because I feared that the genuine me wasn’t acceptable. I found my voice, made some mistakes, and learned that there is a wrong way and a right way to do this. I asserted myself and almost cost myself a 20-year friendship. Instead of cutting me off, she cared enough about our friendship to not give up on me. We discussed our conflict and came to a wonderful conclusion that has made our friendship stronger.
This has also meant that I had to make decisions for my mental health and my needs, that wasn’t received well from some of my friends and loved ones. At first, there was conflict and hurt feelings, but I had to stand strong. My mental and emotional health required it. Eventually, those relationships remained and adjusted. I am so thankful for that.
The longstanding relationship I was in didn’t fare as well. Certain decisions will show the strength and weakness of a relationship. Once a person’s eyes are opened, there isn’t a way to unsee what was seen, no matter how much it hurts. I had to be fair and release him, although we are working on establishing a friendship. Let me just say, that isn’t as easy as it sounds. Just as he has to accept where I am, I have to accept the state of mind where this has put him.
Am I concerned about the future? No. As the Word says in Matthew 6:34: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
There is such peace in that…